Him & I

My boyfriend and I went through a rough patch recently. Living 200 miles apart, working so hard on our individual goals and ambitions, working on completely different shift patterns, on top of trying to schedule in some social time for ourselves and each other. IT IS SO DAMN HARD.

I’m grateful that we never let our difficulties get the best of us. We always try to work as a team on our problems. It’s never me against him. It is us against the problem.

Recently I taught him about Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. We discussed what we wanted. The conversation was such a spiritually enlightening and eye-opening experience . It is crazy that what we both want is ‘Quality Time’ with each other, more than anything else. The irony is that we are so busy building our individual dreams we do not have the time to spend quality time together. We talked about this and I’m glad we are always able to have such conversations and come up with solutions. The world truly does work in mysterious ways and I’m grateful that I have chosen him to experience life with.

I feel motivated to be a better version of myself every moment I spend with him. Yes it is going to be tough, but when we both know we are working so hard for our future, it makes it all the more worth it.

What does marriage mean for me?

I have written a lot about marriage and the certain rituals of a Tamil Hindu Wedding which I have found very interesting.

This piece however was inspired by when I was sat waiting for the lecturer to begin the lecture. A girl in our year walked in; she got engaged over summer and I was extremely happy for her. I have spoken to her a few times, but do not know much about her otherwise. Basically a random girl is getting married soon and I am happy for her. Sounds like the very emotional me indeed!

I was sat in the lecture theatre for the next few minutes thinking hard about marriage and what it means for me. So yes, with minutes to spare for the lecture to begin, I started writing what you are reading right now.

I have seen and taken an active part in several weddings over the past few years; I have been a bridesmaid a few times as well. I have then had the pleasure to see how that marriage has progressed from starting off a grand wedding ceremony, to a real epitome of love. And so I begin…this is what marriage means for me:

1) Marriage should come out of real love and not convenience. What do I mean by this? Well I have come across several ‘marriages’ which have had to happen because of what society is apparently making of two individuals in a relationship. Families of the couple believe that it is ‘safer’ to get their children married off to avoid people talking badly about them.

We are living in the 21st century for heaven’s sake! If one is happily accepting and bragging about 21st century fashion and technology, why then can one not change their basic ideals of relationships and marriage?

2) I believe in myself a lot. I know myself very well as well. I am not going to get married for convenience. I am not going to get married just because I am a girl and apparently girls need to get married sooner. I am not going to get married to prove to anyone anything.

I am going to get married when I am ready – emotionally and financially – I am not saying that that will ever be the case to be honest, but I have vision about where I want to be in life before I even think about marriage and that is what I mean. So for all those aunties and uncles who keep asking me, when am I going to get married, here is your answer: NOT ANYTIME SOON (which means not for the next 3-4 years at least – unless some miracle happens in my life and I have gained all the stability I need), so please do not ask me anymore. Thanks.

3) I believe that marriages involve two families. I do not believe in running away from family to get married. That is absolutely cheap and totally crap! One has to earn to show respect to them first. It may take some time to convince parents but (now the soppy stuff is going to start), if there is real love then I’m sure it will be worth fighting for! (Meh, so emotionally soppy I cannot even deal with how it came out of my mouth but hey-ho it did).

Do not be a coward and hurt those who raised you. Be a fighter and stand up for what you believe in. If it is the right thing for you, it will work out perfectly…eventually.

Ultimately, marriage is a symbol of love, respect, trust and the ambition to work together and establish a life together – job, money, house, stability before marriage (there are so many perks to working your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé/spouse to create a life together than to just settle in with someone who has everything that the other has financially dreamt of – I guess it is a matter of opinion and intention so I shall leave it at that). If that means a girl is going to be a few years older than what society deems the acceptable age for a girl to get married – well sorry, I do me! I will wait and no one has any rights to question it, (except my parents – but I know they wouldn’t ask!).

Daily Musings

Social media has helped me a lot with my professional dance career. I do not of course depend on it, but it has for sure given me a portal through which I can interact with fellow lovers of dance which I never had before. 

I use my social media now not just to post about my dance work, but to also to use it as a way to convey my thoughts about general life, in the form of inspirational, motivational, thought-provoking quotes. Everything I post has a reason but I never share it so here goes with some of my favourites. 

‘Are you really happy or just really comfortable?’

This is the deepest question one can ask themselves. Do not settle for a life that looks good on the outside. Do not settle for a life where a roof over your head, financial security and everything materialistic are set out for you. Work for it. When you work for it and can say to yourself, ‘This is something I have built’, that is when you will feel truly happy and accomplished. Until then keep hustling. 

‘Success does not come from what you do occasionally; it comes from what you do consistently.’

Especially in the scene of performance arts I’ve come across many who pursue something for a short while and call that success. For me, success is a journey and there is no end point. You need to practice something consistently to really unleash your potential in it!

‘You can speak spiritual eloquence, pray in public, and maintain a holy appearance…but it is your behaviour that will reveal your true character.’

I call such people hypocrites. I say this very confidently because I used to be one myself. Until 2 years ago I realised I need to own up to what I really feel and act on it. It is no good saying that ‘I am this…I believe in this…’ when your actions say the complete opposite.

There are several people who just act in a way to seek public approval. With social media, the number of likes and followers seems to be used to quantify whether you are being approved by society or not.

How many of them will, including myself, actually practice what they preach?

‘Generally people like to bring up your past, when your present and future appears to be better than theirs.’

I dislike people who bring up another’s past. But now, the more they do it, the more I am like ‘Is that the only thing you have against them?’

Some people are so stuck in their bubble they refuse to accept another’s success in any way, shape or form. Therefore to bring another down they use their past.

Just think. If I did that to you? How would you feel? How ‘clean’ is your past? I can guarantee that those who act in such a way do not have the best of pasts. So if you believe you have changed, then give others the benefit of the doubt that they have changed as well. It’s that simple.

‘A private life is a happy life.’

Over the past few years I have become more and more aware of people who use social media to post about there private drama and unhappiness.

Question 1: Is posting on social media going to resolve that problem? Will it give happiness?

Question 2: Are you the only one in the world who is going through problems?

Question 3: What is the purpose of you posting your personal problems on social media? If you feel like that is giving your control over the situation, look at yourself and your attitude towards life.

Question 4: Do you actually think people care when each and everyone one of us is going through our own problems? I mean some may acknowledge by liking your post, but what does a ‘like’ mean? If a ‘like’ is the validation you need, then go ahead and keep posting. But I am secretly feeling sorry for you for reasons other than for the ones you wanted me to feel sorry for.

‘A lot of people want to make the institution of marriage a substitute for a real relationship.’

Marriage is not something which should not be a result of convenience.

Do not enter marriage because the current situation you are in warrants a marriage, so it is considered socially and culturally acceptable.

A marriage is a process which should occur at the right time, with the blessings of the right people, for the right reason which is nothing but true love!

Final thoughts:

Each of these thoughts are ones which I started to think more about based on the events which were taking place around me. I am not perfect, but I’m working on myself to think bigger and wiser so I can constantly reflect and grow myself. That is what life is about. Have a reason for every action and make sure you do not hurt anyone!

The Blame Game

We have all fallen victim of ‘The Blame Game’.

If the cooking goes wrong, we blame the quality of the ingredients or someone who apparently distracted us. If the dance performance was not good, we blame the lighting or the costumes or the stage. If the relationship did not work, we are all brilliant at blaming the opposite party. If we get into an accident, we blame the other driver.

These are just a few examples showcasing humans’ horrible tendency of blaming others when something goes wrong. Whether we realise it or not, we tend to play ‘the blame game’ a little too often in our day-to-day lives.

In many cases the opposite party may be at fault, but my point is what good is it for us to waste our time and energy blaming others, when we could actually use that energy and drive to work on ourselves. I always tell myself, the hardest yet most rewarding part is to look at yourself, identify your mistakes and work to fix it. How else are you going to grow as an individual?

I do want to mention that this does not mean that you have to be harsh on yourself and blame yourself for every bad incident. Not at all. Think of it as an opportunity to build yourself and grow.

I wanted to keep this piece a short one. Find ways in which you can learn and improve as an individual, because that is your responsibility and no one else’s. In the same way that you would never let your success be defined by someone else, when something goes wrong or you fail, look at where and how you can improve. This is how you can start to think positively and move forward positively as well.

‘The Four Agreements’

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a great book called The Four Agreements. My friend was the one who recommended me this book, and honestly, it has been my best investment I have made in the last month! Thank you to my beautiful friend for letting me know of this book.

As with all my recent blogs, I am going to use this space to showcase the take home messages which I have gathered from reading this book. The content of it is so rich; so I would recommend anyone interested, to read it for yourself, because what you gage from it may be completely different to what I have learnt.

1) Domestication. I find this concept so fascinating but real at the same time. The biggest fear humans have is the fear of living our lives the way we want. The reason for this is because of how we have been ‘domesticated’ based on the so-called social, cultural or religious norms. We need to learn to step out of this vicious cage called domestication and learn to live the life we want – and not the life which our ancestors wanted. Only then will we be on the path to finding our true self and being one with self.

2) The power of word. The reason for why I started blogging was because I found the power of words the most enthralling and life-changing. Every word we speak or write has an impact. Remember that! Every positive word we speak has a positive impact. Every negative word we speak has a negative impact. I value words so much and therefore have all my life tried to avoid swearing as much as possible. The reason for this is because it has very negative connotations. If there is one thing which I would like to kindly ask all my readers, try and get out of the habit of swearing, if that is something you struggle with. Let this be the first step you take to embracing and utilizing the power of word to its fullest.

3) Acceptance. I do not have the need to be accepted so what others say to me or about me does not phase me. I am leading as much of a proper life as I can. I am minding my own business and avoid talking about others because I do not have time to pay attention to others, when I have my own life to think about. I do not try to hurt people. If people hurt me, I move away. The most important thing for me is to accept myself. That is all that matters, and that is all that should matter. I want to be a better version of myself every day.

I have been writing so much recently, and so I am likely to take a break for a few days at least – (I say ‘likely’ because knowing me, I do not know how feasible that will be!). However, over the past 2 days I have read 4 spiritual texts. All 4 texts have taught me different practices and principles which I will slowly but surely incorporate into my daily living.

Being ‘spiritual’ has become fashionable. It is inevitable to note that people feel ‘wise’ when they call themselves ‘spiritual’.

What I have learnt is that being ‘spiritual’ is more than a fashion statement. It is more than a trend. It is real. A truly spiritual being will need not say they are spiritual, every action and behaviour and word they speak will showcase it. You may think it is ironic that I am saying this. I have never claimed that I am a spiritual being. As I mentioned in my previous blogs, I am still on the path to uncovering what spirituality really is. I am applying it to my daily living and truly feeling the essence of it. I am in the early stages of practicing it. This may not have been clearly communicated in my previous blogs, but now I have. I am on an infinite journey of discovering what spirituality and the power of the universe really are.

‘The Secret – The Power’

The Power, by Rhonda Byrne, is another book which falls into the category of The Secret series. I read this book today and I wanted to make this piece a short one. The reason for this is that The Power focuses on the one and ultimate power which humanity possesses – the power of love.

Do you remember the reason for why Lord Voldemort could not kill Harry Potter? The love from Lily Potter protected Harry and carried him through until he was powerful enough to defeat the Dark Lord. Something so trivial for many, such as Harry Potter, intentionally or unintentionally had the secret to life. The power of love!

(I obviously wanted to use the Harry Potter example because I mean, it is Harry Potter after all!)

Anyway, jokes aside, this blog will be short one, portraying to you some of the key principles I learnt from this book.

1) The law of attraction is the law of love. Learn to love. Learn to love in every situation. Love is a very strong positive emotion. When you start practicing love in every way, you view of life becomes that much more positive. You also start to notice all the good in every situation. You strengthen from within, and therefore have the courage to face negativity that much stronger.

2) You get what you give. This is a simplified way of describing the law of attraction, but ultimately the energy which you emit is the energy which you get. I have seen this a lot in the relationships which I have formed whether it be friendships or romantic relationships. My circle of friends have changed over the years based on the energy which I emit. The more I start finding myself and my true potential, the more I start getting friendships which reflect those ambitions of mine. This is also the case with romantic relationships, where you attraction the type of relationship vibration which you emit. If that relationship was unsuccessful, before the blaming the other, look at the energy you were attracting. It’s that simple.

3) I wrote in my previous blog about how The Secret taught me the importance of gratitude. This book taught me that gratitude may not change the life around you, it changes you. Therefore, as stated in the point above, being a grateful human means you naturally will start emitting more positive energy which in turn means you start attracting that positivity. Change begins with you.

The term love is something which we take for granted. It is the strongest and most positive emotion human-kind can experience. Our love should extend from material matters to human-kind. Love, in every shape and form, sends very positive vibrations to all matters of energy around us, drawing that much more positive vibes towards us.

Dear Best Friend…

I am writing directly to you and no one else.

One piece solely dedicated to you is not enough to show how much I value you and your presence in my life.

I met you for the first time 3 and half years ago. Never did I think then, that today I would be writing to you and be grateful of your existence to the extent that I am.

I wanted to take this opportunity to Thank You. I do not know where to begin, but here goes…

1) I want to thank you for being the person and performer you are, and making me fan-girl over you since the day I first saw you on stage 11 years ago.

2) I want to thank you for being the vibrant sole you were when we first met in November 2013, and making that 20 year old girl, crush over you even more.

3) I want to thank you for creeping into my life and talking to me at times when I least needed the attention from another boy.

4) I want to thank the boys and girls of both my and your pasts respectively, for teaching us what we really need in a relationship – to be loved unconditionally and un-materialistically.

5) I want to thank you for being there for me and bringing out the confidence I never knew I had.

6) I want to thank you for unlocking my own academic and artistic potential.

7) I want to thank you for making me value my ability to write the way I do, and making me fall in love with writing endlessly.

8) I want to thank you for helping me hone skills which I never thought I would be able to do.

9) I want to thank you for tending to all sides and versions of me with care, and love which I never thought I was worthy of getting.

10) I want to thank you for being you.

Of course I have more to be thankful for especially with regards to everything you have intentionally and unintentionally done for me. Whatever our future holds does not phase me, because right now I am so thankful for you and the life you have made me discover. So thank you!

The Relationship Mindset

Is there a right way to approaching a relationship? Yes. It is actually not that complicated. Be honest and open about yourself and your emotions, and remember to voice it.

In this contemporary world we are living in, we have come to paint relationships as being complicated and difficult. So many heart breaks, heart aches, and break-ups. Why have relationships become so difficult? Well below is what I think.

Self-love

This is where many people go wrong. People look for external sources to validate themselves when what they actually need is the confidence to love themselves for who they are. They need to feel complete and one with themselves before they seek for a relationship to provide the answers to those unanswered questions about themselves.

Love yourself before you even try to love others.

Who is to pay?

Okay so the time has come to meet someone whom you have been talking to. That first date. You’ve had a lovely meal together, or done some fun outdoor activity and then it comes to the part of paying. Somehow men and women alike have been ‘trained’ to think in one way and one way only – the man should pay.

This clearly comes from ancient social norms and there is no harm in sticking to it at all. However, the problem arises when the guy asks the girl if she could pay or at least go halves. And boom.

All of a sudden that man is not worthy of being in a relationship with. He is seen as impolite and disrespectful. He is seen as useless and the girl goes around telling her friends how embarrassing the whole situation was.

We live in a society where women have fought so much for women’s rights, to prove that women are just as capable as men in any industry; and the way we show such women respect is by throwing a tantrum over the fact that the guy asked her to pay as well.

I am not saying that guys should never pay. All I am saying is that he should not be given a hard time if he does not on that first date. And vice versa for women. Let’s stop expecting too much from each other and just be open and honest about what we can and cannot do. This leads nicely onto my next topic of discussion.

Expectations

As humans trying to succeed in relationships, this is our biggest drawback. We expect too much and give too little.

What I mean to say is that we expect our other half to provide us with everything and we give very little back. The most successful of relationships are those where there is an equal balance of giving and receiving.

Let’s not expect a relationship to be defined by the material gifts. Instead expect that relationship to provide you with the love and support that you deserve.

Mind-reading

I do not want to gender stereotype but I cannot avoid pointing out that women have this issue a lot more than men.

We just sit their with overwhelming emotions and we expect our other half to mind-read everything we are thinking and consult to our emotions as if they are God. If they are unable to mind-read then they are considered a boyfriend/husband not good enough. Nope. Sadly this is not the case.

Unfortunately, neither men nor women can mind-read. This is why communication becomes that much more important. Talk to each other and be truthful about your emotions.

Team work

A relationship requires the commitment and work of both individuals. No one is born made for each other; you have to work towards it. No one relationship starts off being perfect; you work towards making it perfect.

Respect

In a relationship, the two individuals of that relationship are equal to each other. No one person is greater than the other.

The first element of this is trust. I would expect my other half to respect me and what I tell him – the truths about me, my family and my past are things which I will not share to anyone. If, at any point, they share that information with anyone else for whatever reason (boost their own ego, during a relationship or post-break up), I will automatically lose respect for them. All I can say is do not be that person.

Secondly, I am not a massive fan of swearing at all. I find it especially disturbing when I see people purposefully swearing at each other just to prove a point – which to this date I do not get. This is even more so the case in relationships. Swearing is a form of verbal abuse, in my opinion. You might start swearing at each other for fun at the start, but this then becomes more serious when your arguments become serious. Just avoid it altogether and revere each other they way you both deserve to be revered.

Looking back

Regardless of how hard you have worked to ensure that relationship works, it may not.

At this time, there is no point shifting blame, because I can guarantee that both people of the relationship were responsible for the end result. There is no point wasting your time thinking about what the other did or did not do. Instead look at yourself and own up to your strengths and weaknesses in that relationship.

How hard did you actually work to make the relationship work? What mistakes did you make?

These are important because you actually start looking at and also start working towards improving yourself.

To conclude…

Remember that every relationship is different. People create expectations based what they see around them. That is what drives everything. Do not be that person. Tap into yourself and find out what you really want, and not what others expect you to want.

I am not the type of girl to stay fixated on the how many dates we have been on, how much he as spent on me, how much I have spent on him – I mean a relationship is not a bank statement and nor it a loans company. You give and take because you want to and not because you have to.

All which we should need and want is honesty, equality and someone whom we can grow with.