Period.

It’s so interesting that I come from a cultural group that celebrates a woman starting her period, through a ‘puberty ceremony’. Men and women in the girl’s family come together for this celebration, with no form of shyness, embarrassment or awkwardness.

Nonetheless, why is it that the generation in our culture which so religiously celebrates starting a menstrual period, then feels shy and embarrassed to talk about it after. There are many men, especially in my parents generation, who feel awkward and shy to talk about it, yet spend ounces of money on a puberty ceremony which serves no purpose whatsoever than to show off one’s financial status (especially in this modern-western civilization). How many of those fathers, brothers and uncles then openly talk to their daughters about her once monthly period? I have not yet seen it.

Did you know that in Tamil, the most civilized way to say that I’m on my period is this: ‘sugam illai’ which directly translates as ‘I’m not well’. Are you joking me?! Being on my menstrual period does not mean ‘I am not well’. The woman’s body goes through this process naturally. Why is it then so stigmatized/medicalised?

I am fully aware that we cannot change the ideals, values or behaviours of those in the generation above me, in my tamil community…sadly it is too late. I just hope both men and women alike can openly talk about a period in my generation and the generations to come. We need to socially and culturally normalize a normal biological function, rather than masking it in all our non-sense values. Period.

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My understanding of the pain-body

I read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth and I learnt something very interesting which Tolle introduced, called the pain-body.

From the moment we are born, we are being shaped by every experience, everything and everyone around us. These influences can be positive or negative. Those that make us feel a negative emotion feed into our so-called ‘pain-body’. This pain-body is an umbrella term to describe our negativity or darkness. During the course of our life, certain events/moments can trigger this pain-body of ours to resurface in the form of anger, hatred, bitterness, depression, anxiety. We need to become aware of this. The mere process of becoming aware that these emotions are not our conscious being, but the unconscious pain-body taking over, is the first step to stop ourselves from identifying with it.

I can envision the pain-body as being something negative. There are some individuals who carry a negative aura around them. I can now say that it is not their conscious self that is negative, but their pain-body which they carry with them as a dark cloud. The pain body is something which can easily be triggered. I have my own pain-body which comes to light every time someone or something triggers an insecurity in me. My negative response to that is my pain-body. It is not my conscious self. To be conscious is to be aware of this pain-body. It will crop up time and time again; every time it does, I need to become aware that it is my pain-body. This way I can stop identifying myself with it.

I’m so proud of you Amma

Today you are starting a new chapter. A job. Yes after 19 years of not working, you have decided to enter the world of employment again.

I’m so proud of you, for standing up for yourself and your freedom.

You inspire me always.

This is just the beginning and it is never too late to start anything. You are a prime example of that.

Nothing is as sad as superficiality

Positive vibes. Spirituality. Positivity.

These terms have been become so overused and meaningless in the past few years.

I merely see them as fancy hashtags for Instagram posts. The recent trend.

Don’t get me wrong, I was following this trend as well. However since the beginning of this year, I started to go through a whole mental, emotional and spiritual change. My whole way of thinking began to evolve. I can feel that I am vibrating on a whole new frequency. This shift is scaring the hell out of me, but the more I become aware of it and talk about it, the more I am accepting and embracing this new me.

I just feel like so many individuals are living a life for a very superficial and monetary purpose. Money. Status. Please others. Please self on a superficial level. There is deeper sense of being, which I strongly believe in. We are born for a higher purpose. This higher purpose is short of being easy. On my route to finding my higher purpose, to serve others, I have been becoming more and more aware of myself. This awareness is scary as hell. You start to realise that there is a lot more to our creation.

What we are currently experiencing is a mere illusion. It takes a lot of courage to delve deep and figure out where we sit in this world. What purpose we are going to serve to make this place a better place…because guess what, that is what this messed up world needs more of. Humans who have built a life to serve others and help create a better generation of humans for the centuries to come.

A weekend in Bath

I took a very private trip to Bath with my boyfriend this weekend.

My definition of ‘private’ is that I did not tell many people I was actually going. Not my friends, my family. I basically did not make a big fuss. My boyfriend and I wanted some alone time without the distractions of being in our ‘normal’ environments.

Honestly it was such a beautiful time. My boyfriend and I had some quality alone time where we truly got to enjoy our own company. I felt like we both spent a lot of time with each other in London (where he lives/I come from) or Birmingham (where I currently live); but we have never really taken time out to travel together, which is something we both wanted to do. Living in different cities, where both of us work on different full-time work schedules, with our side hustles, does make that much harder to sort any time to meet up, let alone plan holidays haha!

It was a miracle that we managed to find a weekend where both of us were free so we made it happen!

Bath was amazing and we are both into learning so we made the most of it. We went to the Roman Baths and spent a good half of the day taking a tour around the site – learning, discussing and teaching other what we learnt. After a beautiful lunch, we then had the best time at Thermae Bath Spa. We both needed detox time. We spent a good hours, without our phones, not taking photos, and just enjoying each other’s company relaxing, unwinding and feeling grateful about the life we had.

After the beautiful spa afternoon, we brought the evening to an end with Indian Fine dining (so our style!). We spent time talking about our peaks and pits of our day and what we were looking forward to. Our day came to an end.

Now for those who know us well, would know that my boyfriend is very into cars. As a result I have become more clued up about cars! So on our second day, we went to car showrooms and managed to test drive some cars in Bath! What an experience.

The reason I wanted to share this is because by reflecting on how much of a wonderful time we had, I am able to feel that much more grateful about the relationship I am in. From the outside, not many people understand the relationship between me and my boyfriend. We have been judged by many for numerous reasons. Nonetheless we have stood strong by each other. I am so grateful that he has been by my side no matter what others have put us through. And taking this time for us and appreciating why we love each other so much has made me more aware of how amazing of a human being he is.

I am a good person

I recently shared with you my insecurities. One of you guys, read it and wrote me a beautiful message on my blog. It was in short about taking time to focus on the positives I have as person, because as women we have the tendency to focus on our flaws, than champion our strengths.

I took a moment, after reading the message, to think about my strengths. Damn was it hard! How did I find it so difficult to think of my strengths, yet within a blink of eye I could list out all my insecurities and perceived negatives?

After days of long and hard deliberation here is few things I believe are my strengths. I’ve split it into the same categories as I did my insecurities, just so I can see for myself that in every avenue I have my strengths:

> Physical: I am beautiful, and I am so confident in my natural God-given beauty, which does make me feel so empowered and one with nature. Here are some of the favourite physical features about myself: my eyes, my cute beauty spots across my face, my healthy looking hair and my booty! Yep, you read that right.

> Relationship: It is a blessing to be in a secure long-term relationship. No matter how hard things get, we always seem to power through and find ways to become even closer. It is that much more tough when we have been living in two different cities for the most part of this relationship. Being in a long-term relationship for as long as we have been, and keeping that relationship alive and so beautiful is tough. Things were a lot easier when I was a student; I would just drive down to London as and when I wanted so to spend time with him (I was a bad university student so just bunked off my classes!). However, in my final year, I cut it down to weekends predominantly, and now with work we hardly see each other. We both work on different schedules, and we both have other commitments, individual to us, outside of work. He travels a lot for work and his performances. My weekends are taken up with my wedding dance business. Nowadays, we would be grateful if we could spend at least 1 hour, every two weeks, together. It is tough, and we have had so many difficulties as a result of it. Nonetheless, we are only coming out stronger. I pray God blesses us with more such happiness and strength, for which I am always grateful.

> Career: I am a doctor. I have a small yet significant wedding dance choreography business. And now, I am taking blogging a lot more seriously, and maybe in the future, I can make a career out of blogging as well!! Why the hell am I being so tough on myself?! I have worked so hard to build a life that I have dreamt of. There are few more things yet to do, but that will come with time. I am so grateful to be in a position of such responsibility. I am so grateful of the people I meet daily through my career. I am grateful for how my career is shaping me into a better person day-by-day.

> Travel: I need to accept that I currently do not have the travel bug. And that’s okay. I am on a mission of my own, and travelling does not fit into that picture at the moment. I just need to accept that be more loving to myself. On the contrary, I am instead saving some money. It is not a lot, but something is better than nothing right? I believe the savings will come to use at one point in the near future and I am proud that I am becoming a more financial aware person, because of my savings.

In addition to the above, for which I am forever grateful for, I have some great qualities as a human being. No one has ever really applauded me for them, but why wait for them, when I can applaud myself.

> I am a great listener. I spend more time listening that talking, and I believe that is a very important quality to have.

> I am very understanding. Whatever you throw at me, I will actually take time to think about the situation in your shoes. This has cost me my own feelings at times, but that is a conversation for another day.

> I am quite organised, disciplined and dedicated. If I set my mind on something, I will do all I can do to ensure it gets done.

> I am a loving human being. I am not good with regular messaging, and regular meet-ups. If you understand that and accept me for that, I will shower you with so much love always. If you do not understand that, and judge me for my decisions and the way I am, I will just step away. When I decide to love someone, I do so with my whole heart. Love rises above all.

It is so refreshing to look at how beautiful of a human being I am; and I am proud of myself for it.

We all have strengths and weaknesses. Just as we are uncovering our weaknesses/insecurities, we need to become more aware of our strengths; that balance is what will keep us in a state of mental and emotional balance.

Satsumas are so under-rated

When I was a child/teenager, at secondary school, this is how my average week looked:

> Mondays – School, an evening for home-work/study/I sometimes had tuition on monday evenings
> Tuesdays – School; I finished at 3.30pm; I came back and then had some time to shower and eat before I had 2 hour dance practice at 7pm.
> Wednesdays – School; once I finished, again I would rush home, shower and eat and then get ready for singing and veena class for 2.5hours
> Thursdays – School; again 2 hours of dance class after this
> Fridays – School; I would come back, shower and eat and then go to the temple with my family
> Saturdays – I would have to wake up at 7am, because I had dance class from 8.30am to 11am/12pm. I would then eat the food, my mum packed for me, in the car as she drove me to swimming lessons, which were from 1 to 1.30pm. I then came home and had the whole evening to chill and catch up on movies, TV or home-work – unless of course I had a dance show, in which case that was pretty much a zero.
> Sundays – I had tution in the morning from 10.30 to 12.30pm, and then had the whole evening to myself after that.
> Back to Monday again.

Now this is all excluding the extra hours I had fit in for school plays I was rehearsing for, school show rehearsals I had to put time into, external dance shows I did with my dance school; and some time for friends and family.

I eat the Tesco satsumas. So juicy and sweet. Yum yum yum.

My life at university looked something like this:

> Mondays – university which normally finished at 5/6pm followed by dance rehearsals
> Tuesdays – university which normally finished at 5/6pm followed by dance rehearsals
> Wednesdays – university which normally finished at 5/6pm followed by dance rehearsals
> Thursdays – university which normally finished at 5/6pm followed by dance rehearsals
> Fridays – university which normally finished at 5/6pm followed by dance rehearsals
> Saturdays – dance rehearsals for at least 8 hours, if not I will be at home!
> Sundays – dance rehearsals in the morning followed by catching up with my friends or myself haha

This is excluding studying, assignments deadlines, societies I was involved in (Tamil society, Hindu society). I also tried to make time for family and friends, partying, getting drunk and recovering from hangovers, being in and out of relationships…in my last 2 years of university I was in a relationship which I am still in, for your information – woohooo go me! Hahaha, I was such a crazy person and do not know how I managed it all. (I am not going to neglect the fact that I was a terrible university student, hardly being present at any of my teaching sessions, unless there was a register. I basically just focused on doing enough to pass; this was particularly the case in my final 2 years of university).

I managed to get through a whole bag of satsumas this weekend.

My life now looks something like this:

> Mondays – work; come back, shower, eat and chill
> Tuesdays – work; come back, shower, eat and chill
> Wednesdays – work; come, shower, eat and chill
> Thursdays – work; come, shower, eat and chill
> Fridays – work; come back, shower, eat, drive back to London
> Saturdays – day for wedding dance rehearsals where I usually schedule 1 client at a time convenient to them, for however many hours they want (unless I have prior commitments)
> Sundays – morning and afternoon of rest; drive back to Birmingham
> Back to Monday again

Maybe I should buy a satsuma tree. Does that even exist?

What happened to me? When did I become so lazy and uninteresting? When did I stop taking interest in doing things I love and things which help me grow and learn?

Have I become that person who says ‘work is so tiring.’ Bullsh*t. I can understand 12-hour on-call shifts being tiring, but an elective day at work cannot be tiring. I have been that individual who has gone through the craziest schedules at school and university. I came out so strong. I need to bring back that fire.

Writing this made me reflect on life. Many of us who are doctors now, were engaged in a whole host of fun extra-curricular activities as children and teenagers, to help with our growth and self-development. We got to university and that started to narrow down slightly. We started working and then it all became non-existent. The most we do is go to gym (or hula hoop in my case) from time to time; go out partying and getting drunk, to numb ourselves of the monotone lives we are living; or travel around the world to escape from the mundane lives we have built for ourselves.

Here are things I want to do and I am determined to start weaving it all into my life:

1) Learn a new language – I want to improve my french (which I stopped practicing after my A Level French). I also want to start learning Spanish. I am going to find an online which I can use to start learning both. If I can get a few cute qualifications, even better haha!

2) I want to build dance into my weekly schedule. At least once a week, but I can do it twice a week, it would be ideal.

3) I want to try something new. Something like pole dancing/acting classes. I have always loved acting; I did drama at GCSE and did three/four school plays at secondary school as well. Why did I stop? I would like to believe I was pretty good. Maybe I need to rekindle that fire.

4) When I am in London, I want to start making use of the Veena my parents bought for me. I loved playing the veena and I want to get back to taking lessons and learning again.

5) Of course I want to travel. However, I want to travel to learn and immerse myself in other cultures. I do not want to travel to escape from my life. This may be why I do not feel ready to travel yet. I am working on building a life which is amazing in itself; that way I do not need to look forward to going abroad, but instead embrace the fact that it is just another fun aspect of my already fun life.

6) I want to do small courses here and there. I have a particular interest in nutrition and skin-health so it may be something I venture into, on the side.

6 months down the line, I want to be able to read what I have written above and say that I have commenced at least 2 of the above. It’s all in my hands.

PS: Satsumas are so under-rated…oh crap, I’ve already made that point very clear.

PPS: This piece was nothing to do with satsumas, as you have probably clocked already.

Coming to terms with my insecurities

I have several insecurities. I have found it very useful to put my insecurities out there, so I do not feel vulnerable or guilty about them. I do not think I will ever overcome and forget about my insecurities, but I can make peace with them.

The first step to making peace with my insecurities is by acknowledging and being aware of it.

So here goes…my biggest insecurities:

> Physical: my body, my hair, my skin, my eyebrows, and my lashes. However stupid this may sound, yes my physical insecurities sometimes do take a big toll on me. Ever since I was a little girl, people around me passed ‘interesting’ remarks about my appearance. This shaped how I started to look at myself. Day-by-day I am trying my best to overcome this, but it is not easy when I was made to feel unattractive for years.

> Relationship: I have been in quite a few relationships now. In each one, I felt like I was a 2nd option. I think (well I hope) the guy I was with on each occasion in the past, did not intentionally want to make me feel that way, but I did. I felt like I was never good enough. It’s my perception of those relationships. I have grown a lot since. I am now grateful to be in a relationship where I feel loved and cherished and made to feel like a number 1. Nonetheless, my emotions and insecurities associated with my past relationships sometimes to seep through and take a toll on my security in my current relationship. Sometimes I feel like I am going in circles. I give my boyfriend a hard time as a result. I am really trying my best to grow beyond my past emotions, so both him and I can be happy and stress-free. It is a work in progress.

> Career: Let’s be real. I am in one of the most rewarding careers ever. I am so freaking proud of myself for it. It is not easy being a doctor at all. I am doing my level best to be as good of a doctor as I can. At the same time, I am trying to balance my dance career. It is so tough. I feel exhausted and demotivated so much of the time. I then see all these Instagrammers who are dancers, constantly produce amazing content. I feel the pressure that I may need to produce content regularly to validate that I am dancer. This takes me into a whirlwind of negative emotions. Guess what, f*ck it. I am and will always be a dancer. Producing content is not what the success my dance career is going to be defined by. My definition of success in the dance world is very different to several others’ definition. Therefore, I should not feel pressured to have to fall into the trap of trends, producing videos, etc. That is not where my focus lies, not for the time being anyway. And that’s okay. If I feel crap, I will not dance. If I feel great, I will dance. It’s that simple for me.

> Traveling: I want to travel so much. Right now, I have a few other priorities that I am focusing on which means that I probably won’t be able to travel much for the next year/year and a half. That’s okay. I should not be judging myself for that. Nonetheless, I see all my friends traveling so much, and I’m thinking to myself…have I made the wrong decision? Should I be travelling now? This led to a lot of sadness. I felt so down. I spoke to my boyfriend and he pretty much counselled me. He made me talk through what my priorities in life right now are, and why. I came to realise how much I want to travel and learn. Right now I am not in the mental nor financial position to travel around the world. And that’s okay. If I keep progressing through life the way I am, I will eventually get to a point where I will be able to travel. I just need to take it at my own pace.

It has really helped me get off my chest some of my biggest insecurities. I am working on making peace with it. I am working on acknowledging that most of these insecurities come from comparing myself to others. So yes, there is a lot of work for me to do. But cheers to my first step.

I would recommend that if you have insecurities, you start acknowledging it and making peace with it as well. Write it down on a piece of paper at least. Figure out why you have this insecurity and how you are going to come to terms with it. Simple things like this go a long way.

I am grateful for…

My family

My boyfriend

My friends

My education

The roof above my head

The food on my plate

The clothes I am wearing

The clean water I have access to

The people I meet through my career

A career where I have the potential to touch the lives of others

My love for dance

My love for learning

Every negative experience, which is helping me grow

…and God

Thank you God for all that you have enabled me to learn. A grateful soul attracts all things positive.

What are you grateful for?

Here’s a late night thought for you

With the advent of social media, the need to share every positive and negative moment of our life has become such a norm.

The question I have started to ask myself is this: ‘Is this a necessity?’

I have started to become more aware of myself and my surroundings which has meant I have become less inclined to post ‘live’. Any moments I want to keep a record of, I take a picture or video, put my phone away and then enjoy the moment.

I feel like I have recently fallen victim to the pressures of having to post every ounce of my life as it unravels.

My motto in life is whatever moments are private, are the most precious. I want to be more present and care less about posting and more about living the memories I want to create.

I do not think there is any harm in posting whatever one feels comfortable posting. The most important thing is about comfort. As I get older, I want to share less. My close family and friends will be a part of my deepest and more valuable moments and that is all I need in life.