I mean…I don’t know

I cannot believe that the last time I wrote here was over three months ago.
Honestly I have been wanting to share the whirlwind of emotions I have been going through. I have made a start to write. I have paused. I have disliked it; I have become more anxious; I have started over-thinking about who is going to read it, and why those who may come across my writing would even care about my emotions and feelings…so I delete what I have written and go to bed feeling unaccomplished and more anxious than ever.

A lot has happened to me in the past few months, and I would like to say it is for the better. I am growing to be a wiser, more humane person. I have started to forgive. I have started to break down all the grudges I have held against others. I have started to share more positivity. I have come to terms with my own pain and disappointment, which I have felt with myself and others. Basically, I am growing up at a rate faster than ever before.

You might be thinking, okay why is she blabbering on so aimlessly. On the contrary, you might not think anything at all. I mean why do I do I need worry about what you may be thinking? I have spent too many months worrying so much about what others may be thinking of me, that I have stopped thinking about what I think about myself.

I honestly do not even know the purpose of this post. I just needed to release a lot of tension in my mind, and give credit for myself. It has been a hard few months for me mentally and emotionally. I have been fighting many internal battles. I am not writing for anyone’s sympathy. I am just writing for my own peace of mind. The lack of any structure to this just shows how jumbled my mind has been.

But Praveena, do not worry, it is getting better. You are getting better. Do not waste your time worrying so much about what others think of you. You are so freaking amazing. You have been through so much, and you are coming out of it all stronger than ever. You are so freaking strong. I am proud of you.

PS: I do apologise to those, if any, reading this. It may serve no purpose to you, but it is serving a huge purpose to me. That is all that matters.

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2 thoughts on “I mean…I don’t know

  1. Lavanya says:

    The beauty of expression through an art form is that it is able to heal purely through being created. Being able to capture a sentiment in a way that is meaningful to ourselves, whether through art, dance, music or written word; it somehow both holds our burden and frees us from it. Keep writing for you and your freedom of spirit – if it helps someone else along the way, that’s just a delightful bonus.

    Liked by 1 person

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